Whenever I sit down to divide myself, I end up discovering a new hole in those two perforated plates that separate the three individuals in me, through which more of one seems to flow into the other. And then, when I grow tired of bearing with my own inability, I try to lift the bars and let the three flow and mix. And I discover then that they are quite immiscible!
It’s a tough job. To bear with this all life. I never come to know who I am. What gives it all away is the sheer repugnance of failing in coming to terms with one’s own identity.
And then when I decide that it’s better that way, to quietly agree with my incapability to try and explain everything I see and map it onto a logic cage of ‘yes’ and ‘no’, – I feel momentary peace. It’s satisfying. For I get the opportunity to forget everything and rest instead. I feel free. I touch heaven. For, at that point of time, every logic that I had made and every logic that had made me – collapses and chorus out a simultaneous ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to every asked question! And this somehow affords to give me the feeling that everything I see or feel is true. I don’t know how it happens. But it happens!
I have always managed to convince myself that, in the deeper folds of my soul, I carry three sections – that simultaneously oppose and reinforce each other. The outer most part is myself – the social me – the part of me that people and society see and accept, ..or reject! And when I sit down to analyze myself, I find that many shades of that self are wrongly painted. I project a false image. Sometimes mistakenly, and at times deliberately. Why do I do it? Perhaps, for the sake of my defense. For it somehow occurs to me that to survive in this world, my social self must be polished and weighed against many a set standard that people accept and acknowledge. And so I often renunciate truth in return of these luxuries.
But what is truth? That certain shades are false can only be ascertained when you get a chance to know who you are truly! And this gives rise to the second section of my self – who I am to myself – my ‘me’!
This me is deeper than myself. And it’s harder to analyze. For I can easily see where I am not myself, but it’s difficult to see where I am not me! For the me is made up by myself, in an attempt to clog in all those perforations relating to self-integrity!
I am prepared to lose some of this integrity while projecting myself wrongly to this society; but at the end of the day, when it’s time for the ultimate battle to be fought, – when I face myself – it’s time to forward the answers. And this gives us a clear picture of essentially what we really are. We don’t share it with the society. But we share it with ourselves. Sometimes, unknowingly.
When I see these two sections separately, they seem to have a lot more in common. Like, the me contains those parts of myself that are true. And in place of all those show-off, that are present in myself, the ‘me’ contains a bizarre combination of repentance and self-bluffing! And all of these just for the sake of keeping one’s own integrity to none other than one’ own self!
When I see these two sections as one, they can’t help but diffuse out of each other. For it’s always tough to be Mr. Perfect, – only then can the ‘me’ merge with ‘myself’; or, for it’s always tough to be able to stand up and confess one’s own faults fully – publicly and socially, – only then can the ‘myself’ merge with ‘me’!
And all of these attributes such as repentance, self-bluffing, self-fighting, integrity and honesty arise from a deeper foil of the soul where lives ‘fear’. The fear to lose one’ own self!
Had there been no competition in this world, there would have been no comparison. The comparison that differentiates you and me; socially, as well as personally!
But the soul knows no such demarcations. Because it can make out that, in the deepest folds of our hearts, we are all but a replica of each other – born with senses to live out and desires to fulfill! And here is in where the third and the most hidden portion of the soul emerges. It’s called the ‘I’. Someone who doesn’t need to ‘live’ to Start, or someone who can avoid the End even after passing through the phase of ‘death’!
I find it really tough to track down this portion of mine, let alone trying to explain it with analyzing intuition. For it’s never there in myself! And it’s hardly there in me. The fire burns, the passion lives. You don’t want to destroy it, neither you can! All the time you are alive, in front of the society, it snores. When you meet yourself in front of the mirror, it might still be taking a nap! And it’s only awake when you are dead.
Whenever I think about this symbolically, I never fail to relate this ‘death’ with renunciation. And the complete attainment of this ‘I’ as salvation.
After one knows that he or she is, in no means, different, greater or lesser than anyone else, – what follows is a simple realization that there remains nothing much to do except to sit and rest eternally in the lap of God.
And when I manage to parcel off my me and myself into one entity somehow and see the unit alongside my I, I never fail to note that they are the same; for had there been no ‘I’, neither of ‘me’ or ‘myself’ would have been there; or, the parcel of me and myself is just there to shun out the real I from the soul so that when you unravel the jewel later, digging up the dirty mud of your own existence, you get a feel that the unit of two is nothing but an offshoot of that ‘I’ and serves no other purpose than to pay off your own Karmic debts in this lifetime.
And when I see the two – my ‘I’ and that parcel – to be the same thing, differences creep up instantly. And what I remain left with is an abhorring piece of incapability – the inability to break open myself!
And what I remain trapped in is this never-ending fallacy so as to determine who or what I essentially am! While it instead should have been this that I would have just managed to convince myself: ..that this riddle of the soul can’t be solved taking help of a tool such as human logic!
It’s a tough job. To bear with this all life. I never come to know who I am. What gives it all away is the sheer repugnance of failing in coming to terms with one’s own identity.
And then when I decide that it’s better that way, to quietly agree with my incapability to try and explain everything I see and map it onto a logic cage of ‘yes’ and ‘no’, – I feel momentary peace. It’s satisfying. For I get the opportunity to forget everything and rest instead. I feel free. I touch heaven. For, at that point of time, every logic that I had made and every logic that had made me – collapses and chorus out a simultaneous ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to every asked question! And this somehow affords to give me the feeling that everything I see or feel is true. I don’t know how it happens. But it happens!
I have always managed to convince myself that, in the deeper folds of my soul, I carry three sections – that simultaneously oppose and reinforce each other. The outer most part is myself – the social me – the part of me that people and society see and accept, ..or reject! And when I sit down to analyze myself, I find that many shades of that self are wrongly painted. I project a false image. Sometimes mistakenly, and at times deliberately. Why do I do it? Perhaps, for the sake of my defense. For it somehow occurs to me that to survive in this world, my social self must be polished and weighed against many a set standard that people accept and acknowledge. And so I often renunciate truth in return of these luxuries.
But what is truth? That certain shades are false can only be ascertained when you get a chance to know who you are truly! And this gives rise to the second section of my self – who I am to myself – my ‘me’!
This me is deeper than myself. And it’s harder to analyze. For I can easily see where I am not myself, but it’s difficult to see where I am not me! For the me is made up by myself, in an attempt to clog in all those perforations relating to self-integrity!
I am prepared to lose some of this integrity while projecting myself wrongly to this society; but at the end of the day, when it’s time for the ultimate battle to be fought, – when I face myself – it’s time to forward the answers. And this gives us a clear picture of essentially what we really are. We don’t share it with the society. But we share it with ourselves. Sometimes, unknowingly.
When I see these two sections separately, they seem to have a lot more in common. Like, the me contains those parts of myself that are true. And in place of all those show-off, that are present in myself, the ‘me’ contains a bizarre combination of repentance and self-bluffing! And all of these just for the sake of keeping one’s own integrity to none other than one’ own self!
When I see these two sections as one, they can’t help but diffuse out of each other. For it’s always tough to be Mr. Perfect, – only then can the ‘me’ merge with ‘myself’; or, for it’s always tough to be able to stand up and confess one’s own faults fully – publicly and socially, – only then can the ‘myself’ merge with ‘me’!
And all of these attributes such as repentance, self-bluffing, self-fighting, integrity and honesty arise from a deeper foil of the soul where lives ‘fear’. The fear to lose one’ own self!
Had there been no competition in this world, there would have been no comparison. The comparison that differentiates you and me; socially, as well as personally!
But the soul knows no such demarcations. Because it can make out that, in the deepest folds of our hearts, we are all but a replica of each other – born with senses to live out and desires to fulfill! And here is in where the third and the most hidden portion of the soul emerges. It’s called the ‘I’. Someone who doesn’t need to ‘live’ to Start, or someone who can avoid the End even after passing through the phase of ‘death’!
I find it really tough to track down this portion of mine, let alone trying to explain it with analyzing intuition. For it’s never there in myself! And it’s hardly there in me. The fire burns, the passion lives. You don’t want to destroy it, neither you can! All the time you are alive, in front of the society, it snores. When you meet yourself in front of the mirror, it might still be taking a nap! And it’s only awake when you are dead.
Whenever I think about this symbolically, I never fail to relate this ‘death’ with renunciation. And the complete attainment of this ‘I’ as salvation.
After one knows that he or she is, in no means, different, greater or lesser than anyone else, – what follows is a simple realization that there remains nothing much to do except to sit and rest eternally in the lap of God.
And when I manage to parcel off my me and myself into one entity somehow and see the unit alongside my I, I never fail to note that they are the same; for had there been no ‘I’, neither of ‘me’ or ‘myself’ would have been there; or, the parcel of me and myself is just there to shun out the real I from the soul so that when you unravel the jewel later, digging up the dirty mud of your own existence, you get a feel that the unit of two is nothing but an offshoot of that ‘I’ and serves no other purpose than to pay off your own Karmic debts in this lifetime.
And when I see the two – my ‘I’ and that parcel – to be the same thing, differences creep up instantly. And what I remain left with is an abhorring piece of incapability – the inability to break open myself!
And what I remain trapped in is this never-ending fallacy so as to determine who or what I essentially am! While it instead should have been this that I would have just managed to convince myself: ..that this riddle of the soul can’t be solved taking help of a tool such as human logic!
